Ode to Shelley

I've been thinking a lot lately about the nature of friendships - both mine and ChowderGirl's. Last week, I got an email from another mom that said ChowderGirl had told her daughter "I've been waiting for a friend like you since kindergarten." and it made me think about my own elementary school years because 3rd grade seems to have been a major year for me.

Until I was in 3rd grade (1), my best friends were the result of proximity and parentage. Which is to say that the location of my house combined with my Mom's friendships were the primary reasons I was friends with people. And I was so lucky that proximity came in the form of my doppelganger Liz. As for parentage, my mom was BFFs with a woman named Maria whose daughter Elena was my age, with a brilliant older daughter named Claudia and a handsome, Dorito hoarding son named Sergio.

Liz and I met before I can remember meeting anyone. She is one of my first memories, specifically of our matching nightgowns and spying on our younger siblings. She and I saw Donny and Marie together when we were 6 or 7. She is the reason I love hyacinths. She lived across the street from me and we were together as much as we could be. And then we weren't. I suspect it was just an age/grade thing but it was sad anyway. (2)

I also don't recall a time without Elena. Or her amazing mom. I am the oldest sibling in my family and she was the youngest of hers, with these dramatic and passionate older siblings who dominated our play and loved us like crazy. Sergio used to hide bags of Doritos in their basement. Elena's mom played guitar and spoke to  the kids in Spanish with enough English mingled in that I could almost always follow the gist. They moved back to Columbia when I was in 3rd grade and while I was sad, my mother was more than sad, she was devastated at the loss. Maria died many years ago and my mother still gets tears in her eyes when she talks about them. (3)

And then there was Shelley. I don't remember being BFFs with her until 4th grade though she was at earlier birthday parties. I think it was 4th grade when she suddenly seemed like the best person I'd ever known in my life. I simply felt like she understood me. She thought all the same things were funny. And until recently, I wasn't sure why I adored her so much.

But I adored her. I loved her house, all clean and modern, with bright windows and big rooms and straight floors.  And her parents were so kind to me. And they had better snacks and better dinners and better bathrooms (I think kids feel this way, right? Everything else is better?)

And then she went to private school and while we tried to stay friends, it faded out.

As I understand it, she came back to public school when I was at a different school and had already thoroughly detached from my hometown in favor of The Cape and my Cape friends, having formally decided that no one in the entire town of Framingham was reasonable or interesting.

I never had hard feelings until I met her again last year. I met her on Facebook and felt ripped off. I felt like it was so profoundly unfair that she went to private school and that we weren't friends in high school. At the same time, I am finding so much joy in seeing her again. Well, seeing her on Facebook anyway... Hopefully, I'll make it to actually seeing her in real life again someday.

She is so much like me. I mean, her interests, her kids, her sense of humor. I find myself fascinated by a nearly 30 year gap that seems to be irrelevant.

And now there's ChowderGirl, finding new best friends, losing old ones, and discovering how cool it is to meet someone who loves history or engineering or drama. I hope she can find herself a Shelley since her Liz has come and gone and her Elena has moved away.

Footnotes:
1 - I originally wrote this on my iPhone in the middle of the night allowing for all auto corrects. It is a bizarre little story that way, involving whores and dirty martinis.
2 - Liz and I reconnected on (where else) Facebook a while back and got to see each other a year ago. It was kind of surreal but wonderful to see her - and it felt as comfortable as it always did.
3 - My mother and I lost touch with Maria's kids for many many years. About 8 years ago, I found Elena. She and her siblings were back in the U.S. and not all that hard to find, thanks to the Internet. Mom and I are FB friends with Claudia and she looks so much like her mom it is crazy. It is a wonderful thing to see.

Randomly Pulling Kids from School

I'm sitting here, struggling with an impulse to call ChowderGirl's school and have her dismissed so I can take her to a 12:30 showing of the Harry Potter movie. It's not just because she read all 7 books last year. And that she continues to haul 2-3 of them (in hardcover) to school with her every day.

It's because starting around 5th grade, my father pulled me from school once or twice a year to go mid-week skiing. The way I remember it, he would sort of taunt us. Because the biggest question was "Do you have any tests this week?" Well, he'd start asking in September. But the question became loaded when it snowed.

Because it meant that some day that week, our mom would wake us around 4 or 5AM, send us down to the already packed car. My dad would be sitting there, warming it up, chugging a Thermos of coffee. My brother and I would get in the backseat and go back to sleep.

It must have been the same time of year because we would wake around dawn, just when we pulled off the highway to get breakfast at some random McDonald's in New Hampshire. There's a stretch of Route 8 in Connecticut that looks just like the off ramp and whenever we go by there, I get this content feeling.

We'd ski all day and all that jazz. And I am sure we fought. I am sure my dad snapped at us. I am sure we were cranky. And annoying. And whiny. I also know there were times of great teamwork, sunshine, snow tans, ease, and skill. And I remember how shocking it was (that first time) to be pulled from school and how great it was to spend that day with my dad.

So I'm sitting here thinking about how much my daughter loves Harry Potter. And I'm going to go get her now.

Struggling with Juggling

On the one hand, things have gotten much easier for me, between the shift to working at home and ChowderDad's new much more local job. I've got more ability to do things when I need to do them, have fewer work distractions in the office, and honestly, my responsibilities there have shifted where I'm no longer carrying the true weight of a VP of a start up. And that's all been good.

But I skimmed over a phrase or two in there - and they're pretty important. It's about my ability to do things when I need to do them.

I have a lot of trouble with that piece. Never been my strong suit. On my list of things to do, which now include more household stuff, more kid stuff, and the same work stuff (minus some burdens of ultimate power and responsibility), I don't always have a good sense of what is actually important.

Like getting the tree guy over here to give me an estimate. Or signing up to do the Mill River Guide program for ChowderGirl's class. Or revising 200 Power Points. Or painting the hallway.

And then the kids get home and I'm honestly not sure how to handle it sometimes. I need to work. But I need to be with them too.

I've started to figure out how to plan things better. I need to arrange a Monday-Tuesday Mother's Helper for after school so I can power through the bulk of my work early in the week. So I can feel good about Wednesday afternoons being hiking day. Or taking lunch with a friend on a Friday.

I'm getting there.One major recent step was NOT VOLUNTEERING to coach Odyssey of the Mind. I'm pretty proud of NOT doing that.

Also, I might be late to Mill River today. I have to finish this Power Point. And this blog entry.

(The best part about this entry is that I wrote it on Wednesday and totally forgot to post it.)

Being Sick & Needing Whiskey

Roughly 20 years ago (okay, almost exactly 20 years ago), I studied in Ireland for a semester. While I was there, I caught exactly one cold. I was getting sick and was supposed to go to the Abbey for a show and I was worried I would miss it. My host mother took motherly concern and told me to go to closest pub to the Abbey and get an Irish coffee or hot toddy. So I did and it magically worked and I saw the play and managed to make it through the rest of the semester with no consumption, tuberculosis or bronchitis.

What is curious is this. 20 years went by. And I never thought to try it again. Until Monday night when I thought there simply must be some way to fix this incoming cold. I was taking Airborne. WHY? When I could be drinking hot whiskey? I should have been seeking the booze, not seeking some fake way to heal.

Like whiskey on a zit, it can't fail, right? But it did fail. It was tasty but it didn't kill off the cold.

In other news, I just need to say that I once had pertussis. ChowderDad seems to have entirely blanked this out. But I did. I had it when we lived in Tucson. CubicleGirl and I thought it was teh consumption but it was just teh pertussis.

I get sick a lot. Like, more than regular people, I think. Or maybe I succumb to the woe that comes with sickness. Or maybe I am just more vocal and annoyingly dramatic about my near-death experiences with coughs and colds. It's possible anyway.

I Like It On The...

Truth be told, I like it if it is impactful and raises money. Wait. That came out wrong.

I have a problem. And I know it isn't going to be popular since I know it is easily misinterpreted and I know my rants can sound attacking of specific people. It's not intended to be. But my problem isn't with individuals. It is with the entire construct.

1. The bra meme of February 2010 was about our breasts. This one? Not so much the "I Like It" campaign, except in as much as our breasts are sexualized. But this coy tee-hee thing seems to dilute the seriousness of cancers (breast and otherwise).
2. It does not connect to ACTION. Not "TEXT HAITI TO WYCLEF TO HELP" and not "I did a self-exam today, you should too". So awareness. Great. Now what? 
3. Breast cancer as being the domain of women is particularly irksome to me. When a man gets prostate cancer, it impacts the women in his life. Likewise breast cancer. So why hide it from men?
4. It doesn't spread awareness of broader issues about women's health or even about little known issues with breast cancer and health.

It's important to focus on women's health and on breast cancer. Absolutely. But if "they" want to raise awareness, why not raise ACTION alongside?

Now. Go get your mammograms. Or ask your wife if she's made hers.

Randy Moss & (my) ADHD

I really like logical thinking. I need decisions to be overt. It really helps me with my own process. If someone is honest and things seem logical and straightforward, my brain doesn't have to go into 20 directions trying to figure out WTF was happening.

In the case of personal relationships, I hate having to guess at what is happening. If you have a problem with me, tell me. I can apologize or not, make it up to you or not, or whatever. But the sort of background drama of "she should figure out why I am mad at her" is just stuff I don't do well. And as I age, I don't do it at all.

At work, I struggle with the seemingly ridiculous. Which made corporate America a challenge because you don't get to know why everything is happening. Why did they just cut the sports marketing budget and increase the WWE? I don't actually need to know that to do my job - but when I don't get something like that, I get curious. I want to know why. I think there must be a reason. Is it financial? Do we have predictions that WWE will be a larger profit center? Is the NBA package going to increase in price and we assume it will drop subscriptions? Is it inside information that the NHL will go on strike and essentially ruin the league? Who knows? But I often struggled with these things because I just could not let it go. It would play out in my head over and over.

It's just part of who I am - and some of it I have realized has to do with knowing that thinking in theory will take up huge amounts of time and become a distraction. I used to LOVE it  - in college, when I had a 4 year bubble, it was great to spend 4 hours thinking about whether or not Grant Holly's fascination with Freud and sexuality made his analysis of my dreams totally irrelevant - or fascinating. But now I don't really have time for it.

So you can imagine the shitstorm Bill Belichick caused in my brain today. Because it doesn't even start to make sense.

You've got Randy Moss:

“Just everyday work. I don’t know. I really don’t have anything to say. It was just making a play.”

And you trade him for a third-round draft choice.

"I’m just saying that I’ve seen him do that a number of times where he’s running full stride and the ball is out in front of him and he reaches out with one hand and grabs it, The first time it happened, it was like, ‘Oh, my God.’ Then you see it again. I’m not saying it’s a routine play, I don’t mean it that way. I’m just talking about those of us who are in practice and watch Randy. I’ve seen him make that play a number of times.“

For the potential for a great player...

"Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what the fuck I was thinking either."
- Imaginary Belichick quote

I have come up with the only logical explanation. Belichick knows something we don't know. Something the Vikings don't know. Something even Randy Moss doesn't know. Like that Dr. Gill secretly implanted a small device in Moss' knee that is set to go off in a few months.

OR, maybe Belichick has some secret spy play up his sleeve. Maybe he's become Facebook friends with Jeff Gillooly and they've got it all under control.

But it is all illogical. So I seek answers - and until I get some semi-logical thing happening, I'll spend the next few days spinning over this nonsensical decision.

I've got a call in to Bill. I except he will get back to me by EOD.

Sports Authority Launched

Whew! Well, that was fun!

I've been away a bit lately - this week has been a big struggle with work-life and trying to do the right thing. I do believe I came out victorious but it wasn't easy.

We launched a competition this morning called "Move It Challenge" and it's an all new platform for us. So from a sheer technical perspective, it was a big project. And I kind of spaced out on the whole "beta testing" and "pre-launch freakout" phases of production. And managed to schedule soccer, Brownies, and a paella class for the 36 hours pre-launch.

But it all worked out. ChowderDad is changing jobs so he felt free to leave his office on Wednesday and take the boy to soccer so I could stay at work and pull everyone off the ledges. And thankfully, there was some wind and possible rain in town so the schools let the kids out early. Not much of a blessing but it did mean we couldn't do Brownies. So the kids went next door and I was able to do more beta testing.

So we launched. And I was able to get the Brownie registrations in and the kids ate meals and aren't totally filthy and all of that great stuff.

I would strongly encourage my friends to get their kids to enter. The top 15 fly to Denver for presenting their ideas to Sports Authority. Then the top 5 of those fly back to a live winner announcement at a big sports venue TBD (but let's just be clear, it is in the spring, in Denver). And the grand prize winner gets $10,000.

Sports Authority Move It Challenge is running through January 3 and the site has activities for kids and families and educators.

The Best Part of My Job

And I'm not kidding. I love to pick out images for new business proposals and web sites. Love it. Like. If I could do nothing but this, it would be the best job in the universe.

I am currently working on a proposal that features oranges prominently. And it's fun and creative and engaging. Last week I spent 3 hours looking for photos of clouds that somehow evoked cloud computing. I

Today I found a completely bizarre photo. These things always please me because I have to think about what company needs this photo? What are they using it for? It is admittedly playful and silly but um...is this for an orange juice ad?

"Adderall is Cheating"

So I've heard this sentiment recently. And I thought it was kind of funny. First of all, cheating at what? I didn't know we all were in a competition.

But secondly, I can forgive the misunderstanding about what it does to people. I certainly never understood what speed would do to an ADHD brain versus a "normal" one. I assumed it was, you know, speed.

So I've chosen the path of medicating, at least in the short term. And here's how my pre-medication morning went.

1. Got up at 7:30, shower, etc. 
2. Set up computer for Skype call.
3. Make eggs benedict for the kids for breakfast, overcooked eggs, burned ham, forgot some for myself.
4. Packed lunches, snacks, backpacks.Kids dawdled about while I kept finding things I needed to do. Like move the snack box to another counter. And figure out what that dull clinking noise was in the dining room (St. Brigid's cross in our window + fan = dull clinking noise) and fix it.
5. 8:30 - they missed the bus.
6. Extra time! Let's sort through some papers before I drive them to school!
7. Went to Trader Joe's for detergent and got beer, detergent, and cereal.
8. Went to the library to return two books (done) and pick up 2 books on ADHD that are supposed to have been delivered from the downtown library but weren't. Also pick up a cookbook, a book on 19th century German history, and some random fiction that I will never read.
9. Came home and cleaned the kitchen, started a load of laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, had a conference call, checked (work) email, responded to emails, read a corporate community service overview, made a virgin bloody mary, put away some toys, talked with ChowderDad a little bit.
10. Took my meds @ 9:30.

From 9:30 - 10:00 when I was sitting here writing and listening to a conference call, [shift legs] I keep looking at this empty bag on the stairs that I need to bring up so I can take the clothes in the hall and pack them up for Goodwill. [stand up] Which reminds me I have laundry. I should do that too. [sit down] But there's this robot toy on the table and that needs a home. What was that email I got from Naomi? Did I respond? I should look and see if I responded. [crack neck] Is that fan still on in the kitchen? Where DID I put that hiking book? Is IBM's corporate community type mission green? That hardly makes sense...I mean, it does and all but they're doing what with cloud computing and the environment? I really need to read about that. Open tab. Wait. Someone asked me a question on the call...

That is a roughly 2 minute reenactment.

10:02:
I need to go to my office. I have work to do. I really need to deal with this cable channel thing. Unplug the computer, bring the glass to the kitchen, walk up the stairs, past the Goodwill clothes [ignore] and up to the third floor. Where I plug in the iPhone, organize the papers for the day. Write this. And publish post. Because I have work to do.

What I Do For Work

I really do work! I work hard and furiously and then stop. And I sometimes have trouble explaining in a school drop off kind of way - exactly what I do. I get kind of flustered and I either undersell (I am in digital marketing) or I over-describe and go into some weird and lengthy discussion about inventions and curriculum and PR.

I'm in marketing, specifically, digital marketing and social media to families. Which is why I am always fiddling with things like Foursquare and Facebook and Twitter. It's why I have 2000 fan pages I "like" and those pages include things like Dove products, X-Prize, Hand Washing, and IBM. It is also why I can tell you who invented Braille and Igor Sikorsky's age when he did his initial drawing of the helicopter. And don't forget my extensive knowledge of the homeschooling world, complete with a breakdown of motives behind homeschooling and the regional differences in implementing and monitoring homeschoolers.


I do a lot of new business development, coming up with concepts for how we can help corporations connect with families through schools while actually making a positive impact on kids. We have a free overarching Inventive Thinking curriculum guide for K-12 teachers, with a focus on 3-5th graders. We then take that curriculum and develop supplemental educational materials for schools. "We develop customized print programs with direct outreach into schools to include posters, teacher guides with hands-on activities and take home extensions for families."

Today we launched the perfect example of a major program - The Sports Authority Move It Challenge. SA is asking kids to come up with sports inventions (training equipment, backyard games, etc.)

We shipped 10,000 packets of posters, teacher guides, and parent take homes into schools nationwide. And most recently, I've been writing content for the blog which SA is using for their social media efforts.

The top 15 entries get flown to Denver to present to the Sports Authority team. We did this before but those kids just got to go to Framingham. Anyway. The top 5 of those 15 will go BACK to Denver to the winners' ceremony which will be held at a location TBD but I can tell you that a major sporting goods company like SA who is HQ in Denver might possibly have some ins at some interesting fields or parks. So it should be pretty cool for sporty kids who are creative!

So that is a good example. This is what I do for work. And I love it - and I love it even more when I am at home ;)

Performance Art - Flash Mob Performance of Hair

[Note: Mom. If you are reading, you may not find this funny. You might want to just skip this one.]

Following in the grand tradition of "Roller Coaster Rapid Transit" and "Advice to Mayor Bloomberg in Case of Transit Strike", I give you a proposal for an all day performance of Hair on the NYC subway.

Initial plans involve taking the C from Washington Heights to West 4th, changing to the F, heading to Coney Island with a nude scene finale there. I recognize that the nude scene should technically be at the end of Act I and take place in Washington Square but I'm not getting off the subway and frankly, I don't think this needs to be all formal.We will skip around and improvise when needed.

We are hopeful to get a mic and amp from some guy in Washington Heights but he might possibly go nuts. I think if we give him the role of Hud though, he might be happy. I mean, we would pluck him from his obscure street performance and make him a STAR!

So we will kick off the day with a platform performance of Aquarius on the platform in Washington Heights.

Of course, everyone must be wondering when we perform Black Boys and White Boys. I think it's fairly obvious. PugMom and I will have to perform Black Boys immediately following Aquarius and before I'm Black. We will hold off on having our friend ComicChick do White Boys between Jay Street/Borough Hall and Windsor Terrace.

I'm Black/Colored Spade will hopefully be performed by the street performer dude. If we get in some sort of altercation with him, we will just find someone else.

Naturally, the entire Central Park Acid Scene with LBJ and Electric Blues will be performed from 96th to Columbus Circle, give or take.

Good Morning Starshine and Let The Sunshine In will be joyously performed with anyone who wants to join in - between Columbus Circle and Penn Station.

We need to cast someone to perform Sodomy (my iPod calls it S******) between 34th and 14th. Anyone interested? MM, I am looking at you, even though it is a traditionally male role.

shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen

Initially, I assumed my kids wouldn't be involved but since we have a current long hair issue with The Boy, I think he should proudly be involved. Before my mother comes in again and "helps" by giving him a Friar Tuck look. So I think when we change at W 4th, ChowderBoy (and assorted other results of the post-Loving v. Virginia celebration of miscegenation) will have to perform Hair on the platform. I suggest this is a great meeting spot for anyone who wants to join the F line leg of the performance.

This will immediately be followed by ChowderGirl singing "My Conviction" and wearing her square gear.

Ain't Got No and I Got Life should be performed on the F line before Jay Street. I was hoping to recruit "The Atomic Bomb of Coolness" troupe for this.

Boring songs like Easy to Be Hard  and Frank Mills will be performed on that long boring stretch on the way out to Coney Island.

It all ends with the Be-In at Coney Island. As in the staged version, nudity optional.

Who's with me?

A Grey Grey Year

I can't work! I am having PTSD from working at Grey Interactive!

I am trying to work on a proposal for a potential client. The problem is that I managed production for 2 accounts for this mega-mega corp when I worked at Grey. And it was gruesome. The Account Team on this one was...well...horrifying.

The Group Account Director on this account once threw a 60 page deck at my head, screaming "I TOLD YOU THAT I NEED NUMBERS INCLUDED IN THIS, YOU USELESS BITCH!"

Note: Numbers were included on slides 57-58.

Same GAD also would stay late and scream at her fiance on speaker phone about how she wanted a BIGGER EFFING DIAMOND YOU LOSER and assorted other insults and such.

So I'm sitting here, trying to write this proposal to provide research and innovation services to this mega-mega corp and I keep getting distracted by memories of ALL THE EVIL at Grey.

Working at Home Semi-Full Time ROCKS

So I have a new deal for apple crisp season. Starting last week, I am working from home. I should go into the office once or twice a week, depending on everyone's need. But generally speaking, I work here. We gave up an office in our building and consolidated my space with another consultant.

Last Wednesday was the first day and honestly, it was a little scary. I wasn't quite sure how well I would be able to focus, didn't quite have everything in order. Well, I still don't have it all in order. But it's getting there. But the kids had visitation day and instead of it being a big freak out and juggle and tightrope, I just went and then came home and did 4 or 5 hours of work.

The kids' first day of school was last week. I was able to go to the bus. And then to the school for the new parent breakfast. And then I worked a full day. Thursday night was touch and go. I'm finding that the end of my work day and the kids arrival home coincide to maybe be a bit overwhelming for me. I believe I will try to finish up at 3 most days now. Then I can walk or do the eliptical or some form of physical activity before they get home. I think it will help me burn off the energy and maybe make it better for us all.

Otherwise, I will be all agitated and clean out closets (10 bags for Thursday's Big Brother Big Sister pick up anyone?) or rearrange the living room (it looks great thankyouverymuch) or just sit around looking for things to do. I'm pretty sure that if I don't find a solution, ChowderDad will arrive home one evening to find that I've knocked the wall down between the kitchen and breakfast nook and have rendered the entire back half of our house totally useless.

Best. Bloody. Ever.

Bissell House Restaurant & Bar in Ridgefield, CT.


I usually don't like a bunch of stuff in my bloody but this one was outstanding. PLUS, they made us one to split with two straws and it was slightly oversized. 


It is a good thing we don't live in Ridgefield. I would end up with my name carved on the bar as "Best Customer" or something.

Medicated Weekend is a Bust.

My experiment in medicating on the weekend was a magnificent failure. I am setting up my home office and wanted to be more capable of getting stuff done than usual. So I figured, let's see what happens.

Well. I did absolutely get more stuff done than usual. But at what price?

I picked up ChowderGirl from a birthday party yesterday where they had a big water slide. The mom saw I had a swim suit on (I had been painting) and said "You can go on if you want." But instead of just doing it, I thought about it and decided to be a grown up.

I ended up having to go down the hill to the slide and fetch ChowderGirl (why doesn't she just come up when it is time to leave?). She asked me when I got there if I would PLEASE go down the slide with her, three of her friends all joined in and said YEAH YEAH YEAH DO IT!

I didn't do it. And I regret it. First, because it would have been fun. But also because in the car later, ChowderGirl asked me why I didn't do it. And said "You usually do things like that. You're not like other moms that way." in a disappointed voice.

Now, this isn't a story of the woe of my poor daughter who has lost some grand opportunity to have some fun. She's fine.

But she was right! That is part of who I am. And I don't think I want that me to disappear all the time. I picked her up from the party on time and without any great stress or struggle, but I didn't do the water slide :(

Fond Memory of Destruction

When I was a sophomore in college, I went over to a friend's room in Sherrill Hall* to say goodbye. I found him and his roommate surrounded by about 20 cases of empty Piels bottles which apparently had been stored in their closet throughout the year. Or maybe they'd just finished it the night before, hard to say.

Faced with what to do with them all, I came up with a great solution. There was an open dumpster located one floor down, off to the side, up against the brick wall of the attached bookstore. A competition! We would have a competition to see who could hit the wall, shatter a bottle, and have it all land in the dumpster! No one would have to carry any of the cases out, no one would get charged a clean up fee. It was perfect.

Naturally, you're going to need beer for this project. Luckily, central New York has places where you can procure supplies for missions like this.

Beer in hand, we set about our task:

As I recall, it was a beautiful sunny day with bunnies and very small trees. We spent an hour or so throwing empty bottles out that window. I have this strange thing where I have very scattered memories. But this one, despite my inability to draw, is so clear. I can hear that first crash and exactly how I felt.

I would say that it was a different time and place back then and that somehow makes what happened a totally reasonable thing to do...but the reality is, I would do it again today. In fact, every time we sail, I have a massive urge to throw empties at Cleveland Ledge. Or the shore.

Fear not, my green friends. I no longer do this. But man, that urge is huge.

And no, I don't know who won the competition. My guess is that other people got bored and I sat in the window throwing bottles.

* According to the campus web site, Sherrill Hall is now a co-ed residence called Sherrill House. It still looks the same. I bet it smells different though.

ADHD Wars Episode V: The Anger Strikes Back

Emotional difficulties:

Many adults with ADD/ADHD have a hard time managing their feelings, especially when it comes to emotions like anger or frustration. Common emotional symptoms of adult ADD/ADHD include:

• sense of underachievement
• doesn’t deal well with frustration
• easily flustered and stressed out
• irritability or mood swings
• trouble staying motivated
• hypersensitivity to criticism
• short, often explosive, temper
• low self-esteem and sense of insecurity

Oh dear. Once again. Check, check, check-check. I could go down the list and give an example for each but no one wants to hear how I was supposed to write a book by 30, how insanely quickly I go from fine to tweaking, or any of the other good stuff. Generally, I don't think I have emotional difficulties as a big statement. I have an 18 year stable relationship, close connections with my parents, lifelong friends - how much emotional difficulties could I have? When I first started researching ADHD, I thought this one wasn't me. I'm FINE.

But I have to admit that when I look at the description, it's pretty much me. My biggest concern in all of this is that I've kind of always known that when it comes to motherhood, I don't handle stress well. I tweak frequently over things that really aren't crucial. It does relate to my last post about being so angry with people when I perceive that they've thrown me off my game. So with the kids, I feel badly a lot that I am so inconsistent with my moods and with my reactions to their behaviors. I will be impulsive and say let's have a dance party or build a fort or see what happens when you put Mentos in Coke but then if it gets "too much", I can snap easily and call a time out on the whole thing. So the kids end up with a moving line. Some nights I am tired and don't care if they spend the meal talking about the bathroom. Other nights, I snap quickly. How on earth are they supposed to figure this out? Is it okay or is it not? Is it sometimes okay?

In other areas of life, I find it less impactful. And if I am honest with myself, I am pretty sure the kids don't think I am terrible. But I'd like to get better at structure and consistency. I think it would make them feel better and make me a better mother. And it doesn't have to mean we stop dance parties. Just that we have to work together to set limits on the crazy. :)

Down with OPI (Yeah You Know Me)

Other People's Issues can really throw me off my game.

I've worked with a number of people who seem to have Attention Surplus Syndrome. And man, when they tweak over irrelevant facts, it makes me insane.

At the end of the day, 75 minutes debating whether the second bullet is or is not truly the second most important point of the slide really doesn't change the outcome of the company. 75 minutes is about 65 minutes too long to figure that one out. So we sit there and I twitch and tweak and play with my phone while other people discuss the relative importance of the bullet order. And over the years, people seem to accept that it's just part of my deal. I tune out when this stuff starts.

But I never really understood why I could get so OUTRAGED at people for wasting my time or for focusing on totally irrelevant things. Because for me, this morning's reaction to whether or not we wanted to say global or not would typically be brutal. It would have left me with a loss of hours on end, not just because of the 47 minute drama over whether or not we were truly global, but because I would have not been able to go back to the rest of the tasks at hand for a while.

That said, I still think 5 days of 8 hour sessions is excessive for a 12 slide presentation.

ADHD Wars Episode IV: A New Symptom

Disorganization and Forgetfulness:

• poor organizational skills (home, office, desk, or car is extremely messy and cluttered)
• tendency to procrastinate
• trouble starting and finishing projects
• chronic lateness
• frequently forgetting appointments, commitments, and deadlines
• constantly losing or misplacing things (keys, wallet, phone, documents, bills)
• underestimating the time it will take you to complete tasks

So here it is! A near complete list of my failures as a mother! Sweet. It is always good to document stuff like this. I cannot even begin to list the number of times I've gotten halfway to work and realized I left my laptop at home. Or driven almost to the Merritt before one of the kids spoke up and said "Aren't you dropping us at school?"

So I've developed system after system to try and get organized. Sadly, when it comes to the home life stuff, none of my solutions seem to work very well. For one thing, I love spreadsheets, precision folding, calendars, and brightly colored paper with squares that I fill in when I complete a task. But those things don't always work in organizing a house.

Balancing work, kids, and personal requires so many separate coping mechanisms. Spreadsheets are great for things like selecting fun patches for 14 eight year old Girl Scouts. And check boxes are good for work emails and projects. But the system required for the mounds of paper that comes home from school - I don't even know what that system looks like. The required signatures, a dollar here, marking that information on the calendar, buying the white-tshirt for tie dye, looking 2 months ahead to get an afternoon off to attend some cottage meeting that ultimately doesn't impact my parenting abilities....all of those things are monstrously challenging. And can't be fixed with a spreadsheet.

Luckily, there's a flip side to all of this- and I'm pretty ready to write about the Gift of ADHD side. That side ends up evening it all out. I'm not a bad mother - I'm just not one who remembers every detail very easily. But I do okay. ;)

Day 1 - Adderall

So this morning I recorded my thoughts as the Adderall kicked in. I've now added to it a bit just to make it more coherant.

11:30
I just sat through an entire meeting. I could see IMs on my screen and didn't need to answer them. I stayed on topic the whole meeting. In addition, when my boss strayed off topic mid-stream, I was only slightly annoyed but managed to stay focused on the rest of the discussion.

11:32
I sent two emails, one AFTER the other, not finishing both at the same time - I wrote one and hit send. Then I hit another and hit send and it only took me a minute to write them and I didn't go do something else in the middle. Not only that, but it didn't occur to me to do something else in the middle. So I didn't even have to WORK at not doing something else in the middle.

11:34
I just remembered something I meant to do yesterday and I did it.

12:24
I consciously decided to take a break from the Power Point I was working on. I chatted with my friend Jane and now I am writing this. I am going to finish the Power Point now.

12:51
Sneezy loud guy next door just shouted and I went right back to what I was doing instead of looking at my phone or changing the radio or looking at skirts for M for Back to School.

1:45
I finish running all the numbers from this morning's meeting and add them to the Power Point. 2 hours 15 minutes. Typically, it would have taken all afternoon with all the distractions. I am going to go for a walk and get some water.

2:45
Had lunch, talked to husband, sent three more emails, called my boss back when he called and wasn't bitchy.

3:09
I am working on a document. I see an email come in that I need to read. I open it, look at it, read it, and go back to my document. (This is actually miraculous - I usually either avoid emails entirely or I read it and lose an hour.)

3:19
Finish the document. It's intended to replace my presence at a meeting I can't attend. It occurs to me that I could *maybe* squeeze it in if I shuffle things around and if I don't hit traffic. Then I realize. I don't need to attend the meeting. And I hit send. My typical reaction would be to try and squeeze it in or feel bad that I couldn't do it.

4:23
I notice that I've been clicking around a lot more now. Bored with the task at hand (assembling school data for districts in Houston). But not problematic.

5:14
I want to go home now please.

5:39
My drive home was largely uneventful and didn't involve any anguish.

8:49 PM
I made dinner for the family and then made a second dinner for David. I cleaned the breakfast nook table. I cleaned up after dinner. I was not angry or short or snappish.

And I really wasn't going to post this tonight. I know a lot of people don't believe in meds or don't believe in ADHD. And that's totally fine. But for me, for the first time I can recall, today I got a taste of what a lot of people live like. And I didn't realize for all these years that it didn't have to be so hard. That other people actually went to the bathroom without losing 20 minutes to thinking about going upstairs or outside or coming back to the office and what was that over there...

Other people can listen to a meeting without sitting on their hands trying to avoid the inevitable distraction. A message can pop up and it doesn't destroy 2 hours of their lives. They can go to Walgreens expecting to go in and get water and a snack and do just that - without losing 30 minutes or without spending the entire time walking there and back thinking WATER SNACK WATER SNACK WATER SNACK and fighting 2000 urges to look at shiny things.

I remember a friend of mine from college didn't know he needed glasses for about 5 years. His eyes just adjusted to the blurry vision and he just compensated. He came back from Christmas break once wearing glasses and said that it was miraculous. The world had nuance and detail and corners.

That's how I feel right now. I heard music on my way home - not the gestalt of the music. But instruments! Single instruments! It was insane! I heard people talking and it sounded totally different. Everything is clear and clean and crisp.

I hear this is a honeymoon phase and that it will likely change. But man, in the meantime, I want to re-listen to every song I ever loved and rediscover the nuances.

ADHD Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Hyperactivity

One of the things that keeps coming up is how people respond "Well, I forget stuff too" or "I get bored easily too" when I mention my newly discovered ADHD. I used to do that too! I never thought I was hyperactive. I just fidget a bit. But that's not a PROBLEM... So I'm fighting to try to explain to people - it's not just like regular people. It's actually totally different. I used to think everyone did what I did - and you do. Once in a while. For me it is a constant.

So here's hyperactivity:

• trouble sitting still; constant fidgeting
• talking excessively
• craving for excitement
• feelings of inner restlessness, agitation
• tendency to take risks
• getting bored easily
• racing thoughts
• doing a million things at once

Hyperactivity in Action:

I am just starting to realize the amount of shifting around and fidgeting I do. When I first started writing this post, I thought "I do a pretty good job of sitting still. I don't jump out of my seat. I don't twitch or fidget much." But then I realized, I had shifted my legs at least 4 times while I wrote and I got up twice - but both for totally valid reasons. So you know, clearly I'm not hyperactive.

And.

Poor ChowderDad. He loves movies. I do too. But I hate the credits - opening and closing. And I can't sit still. I remember being really conscious of this when I was 12 and went to see "Let's Spend The Night Together" with my friend Jen. I remember folding and unfolding my legs the whole time and thinking how she didn't move once for the whole movie. ChowderDad has sat with me through a billion movies in our life together. The exciting ones mean I only shift 30 or 40 times an hour. The boring ones? Excruciating.

And.

My very first report card said "talks too much" and anyone who knows me knows that I talk too much. And here's something scary for those of you who just met me in the last 5 years. I talk less than I used to. Significantly less than when I was in college (this should be a relief to any of my college friends who have been avoiding me for that reason...)

I admit it. I do talk excessively. And here's how it feels. Like a fucking train that can't stop. I am conscious that I am talking too much, that people probably wish I would shut up...but it's like all rushing out and I can't seem to stop it easily. I work really hard to tell stories concisely. To get to the point.

In the interest of full disclosure, when I drink, it gets harder to work at that skill. The good news is that in parties, it's a great skill and people can usually count on me to entertain everyone with outrageous stories and excessive talking.

Coping Stuff:

I've largely learned how to channel what I now know is hyperactivity. I'm the one who leaps up to take notes on the white board. I keep most of my TO DO lists on white boards in my office, which allows me to get up 20 times. And I try and sit on the aisle at the movies so I can move my feet.

I get bored easily so I look for interesting aspects of most situations. I used to call them games - a long drive gets a narrative by exit number. Exit 45, mom was born, WWII, 2014, 4+5=9, when I am 45 I hope I have a Jeep, my jeep was blue, do they make new ones? It goes on and on until the next exit. Working with numbers in the educational universe, I reward myself with letting me imagine what materials the schools in their towns would have been built from in the 19th century.

Side note: I despise the NYS Thruway. 16 miles of thinking about what my life might be like at 40. Suffice to say, 20 year old me was an idiot.

ADHD Wars: Episode II - Atack of the Impulsivity

When I told ChowderDad about the diagnosis and how I had read that impulsiveness is a strong characteristic. I asked if he thought I was impulsive and after I resuscitated him, he was able to choke out that I was incredibly impulsive.

Really? I just think of myself as kind of...well...spontaneous! Joyful! Fun! Free-spirited with a side of anger and twist of temper.

So I go look at a description of impulsivity as relates to ADHD:

• frequently interrupt others or talk over them
• have poor self-control
• blurt out thoughts that are rude or inappropriate without thinking
• have addictive tendencies
• act recklessly or spontaneously without regard for consequences
• have trouble behaving in socially appropriate ways (such as sitting still during a long meeting)

And I think. Oh dear.

The blurting things out is a big problem - I spend a lot of time wondering why I just said something. Even if it isn't rude. Maybe oversharing personal details (like a week or two ago, I blurted out I HAVE ADHD to two friends during a PTA committee meeting - neither the time nor place) or something I think about a person (nice shoes!). It just comes out while I'm simultaneously thinking "don't say that!" in my head

There was an incident many years ago where a good friend asked me specifically not to mention a specific person in front of her new boyfriend. And I did a very very good job of it. For a while. And then before I knew it, it came out of my mouth. I was horrified. If you're reading, S, I have been carrying that one around for a good 16 years now. I'm really sorry.

And I don't really think that acting recklessly without regard for consequences has to be negative. I do stuff all the time that is harmless but has annoying repercussions that aren't always well thought out. Like the day when I had the need to paint the front door purple. So I went and bought paint and started painting it purple. I got one coat done. Three years later, it hasn't received a second coat.

I also bought a pattern and a bag of fabric for matching daughter-American Girl doll outfits. Two years ago. It would have been cute too. I also have a quilt top made for ChowderBoy's baby quilt. And a quilt top made for when my friend Derrick turned 30. He's over 40 now. Also, he got married and I was going to send him it for his wedding which we attended with ChowderGirl toddling around 7 years ago.

I am also quite sure that I have many times annoyed CubicleGirl by calling her while she is working so she can be my very own Google and tell me how to get somewhere because I decided while I was out that I should find a place that has lobster traps so I can make a table. But without an iPhone, I have to have a substitute search. It's no big deal, it's not like she has a real job or is in Hong Kong or anything.

And the thing is, it isn't BAD. It's just part of who I am. Some of it is regrettable. Like not finishing the quilt. Or blurting out things I was asked not to say. But then, there's stuff that makes me who I am and is very positive.

I blurt things out. But I'm a pretty positive person and I see the good in people. So it comes in the form of sometimes just randomly saying "OMG! That haircut is adorable!" or texting my second cousin to tell her that I think of her whenever I hear Hootie and the Blowfish.

Sometimes, I do impulsive things that delight people. Like telling Jonathan Richman that I was mad at him for not playing "New England" and then telling him that Natick sucks (it does). Or saying to Al Bean "OH MY GOD. YOU WALKED ON THE MOON!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? THAT IS CRAZY!!!!"

And while it may not be the most well thought out plan, I daresay that wearing a toga to a few parties this summer delighted and amused a large group of people.

And...while it may not be the safest thing in the world, I have enjoyed jumping off cliffs, quarry walls, and bridges. And jumping INTO many a fountain. And it's been FUN.

You'll notice I didn't touch the conversation about addictive personalities. That's because I have to go play Bejeweled.

ADHD Wars: Episode I - The Hyperfocus Menace

I have always gone through these periods of intense focus on one subject, song, or person. That's just who I am. Turns out, it's one of the markers of ADHD. It's not a problem. I feel like I need to keep saying this. It's not a problem. It just explains a lot.

So I see the list of symptoms and then I reassess all kinds of things from my past and go. Ahhhhhhh. That is called hyperfocus! I get it! THAT explains some stuff!

Here's how hyperfocus plays out in my life.

I fall in love with a song. I need to hear it 20000 times in a row. And I get a call from my upstairs neighbor saying "Please stop playing that song, it is making me insane." (also, I hear that as coming with a P.S. "You loser.") Or, I know all the words to 32 musicals I've never seen and don't even know the plot of but have managed to play the soundtracks until the tapes broke.

Or.

I meet someone. I think they are the coolest person on the planet. I want to talk to them all the time and be with them and hang out all the time. Possible historically-based fallout from this one:

• This person is a boy and he thinks I am obsessed with him and he runs screaming from me.
• This person is a girl and one day, she needs something from me but I am unavailable because I found a shiny foreign coin on the floor and I am just as interested in spending 5 hours researching it as I am in helping her figure out her life. Except the coin called attention to itself before she called.
• This person is random new neighbor who seems interesting and engaging. I become BFFs in a day and then realize she is completely crazy. Now I have an insane person badmouthing me to anyone who will listen.

Or.

I find a shiny new web toy. I use it constantly, update constantly, talk to people, make connections. Get bored. Wander off to a new shiny object. Or a game like Bejeweled. I can play that game for 3 hours without moving or noticing that the time is passing.

Or.

I develop an interest in geocaching. We're all going. Every single day. All weekend. Now! Today! Here! Let's geocache! Within a month, the kids are exhausted just hearing about it and start to refuse to ever go again. (note: Also applies to such hobbies as cats, quilting, and soccer).

Or.

I get assigned a proposal for Google XPrize. I need to do some research before crafting the proposal. I sit down to start reading about what they're doing and 6 hours later, I realize I have missed lunch, two meetings, and am dangerously late for being able to get home, make dinner, and put the kids to bed. But I know the names of every team competing and have learned all kinds of unrelated things about NASA.

Now, would anyone like to talk about how Diego, James, and Seamus share the same root? No? How about lemmings? Anyone? Anyone?

Next Up: Impulsivity. *le sigh*

I Wanna Be Impulsive...Reckless

So I am a bit competitive, in general. So you can imagine my joy when my formal assessment of ADHD status came back and I'm not just kind of ADHD. I am wicked ADHD.

I kind of knew before going in that I was likely to be diagnosed that way. The whole conversation started about 3 months ago and I dragged my heels on getting assessed. But as soon as I started down that road, I started reading up on indicative behaviors and it was like reading a report on who I am. Things I thought were just part of the joy and pain that is me, turn out to be ADHD stuff.

I'm relieved. It all kind of makes sense now. The things that used to confuse me (why do I blurt out stupid stuff all the time? why do I have such bad insomnia? why do people regularly accuse me of not caring about them as much as they care about me?) now seem to all kind of fit together. And it doesn't excuse anything - just because I've learned this doesn't mean that I've never been selfish (I have) or that I can't control the endless chatter thing (I try). But it does sort of frame it for me.

Maybe I am not a total jerk because I do stuff impulsively and unintentionally trample other people. Especially since I always feel horrible about it afterwards. And I mean really horrible. I still carry around guilt about stuff I did 20 years ago, despite being a good wife, solid mother, and a decent friend.

So then the bad news is this. Why didn't I know? What's worse is that since I've been talking about it, I've heard from multiple people that they thought I knew I had it and that I'd made a decision not to medicate. Now, I may or may not medicate and that's a whole separate story. But I guess I am just surprised that so many people saw it clearly. And that even though an old boss told me about it in 1994, I dismissed it. Boys have ADHD, not girls. And besides, I am not hyper. I just talk a lot. Which I just have to focus on not doing. And everything will be fine.

Here's the biggest problem these days. My ADHD diagnosis is becoming a distraction in itself. I'm thinking I should just Tweet about it and feed the blog that way. 140 characters, I can do. A whole well thought out blog post? Now that is a challenge.

P.S. I do love Wilson Phillips.

On Blogging and Journals

As some of you may or may not know, I have a splotchy history with journaling and blogging. It all goes back to "ALL THE EVIL" nearly 20 years ago. One of the pieces of evil was having someone read my private journal and hold me accountable for what I had written in it. Well. And tell other people what was in it. But generally speaking, that was long ago and I'm largely over that piece of the evil.

However, a piece remains and that is my fear that what I write will be taken seriously or held against me or get morphed into something I can't control. I've written for myself and shredded the evidence. I've also written very public and raw journals. My ultimate solution to the problem of private journaling was to just throw it all out there. It worked well since I have a nasty habit of blurting random things out all the time anyway. Sooner or later someone was going to learn random things about me.

Lately I've decided to start really writing again and now I'm thinking about the very public self that has formed. And herein lies the problem.

If you know me well, you know that the public side is actually a pretty honest view of who I am. I am the type of person who wears a toga for no reason. I paint my door purple, want another jeep, drink bloody marys, sail, watch Star Wars, and read disconnected and geeky blogs and newspapers.

If you don't know me well, you're likely to independently enhance certain aspects on your own. Or worse, come to expect that I am ALWAYS the toga girl or the flippant creature of the insomnia hours. I don't want to have to censor my writing because I'm worried that someone will catch a piece of information and turn it into some partial or incorrect vision of who I am.

So. I don't really need all 500 people on my friends list to get updated with my latest blog post. What I would ask is that if you are reading, that you follow the blog, so I know whether or not to apologize to you at a PTA meeting for some entry in which I complain about cars or something.

Retirement Plans

I've spent the last 25 years at my friend Jim's house and finally have figured out the right way to capitalize on all that time served. It has come to my attention that I may not ever be able to retire comfortably AND both children have announced that they want to live with me forever instead of marrying and buying their own homes with in-law suites.

So my friends and I have come up with a plan.
Jim's wifey and I are going to drink. A lot. From pretty colored bottles. Like Skyy vodka and Absolut Raspberri. The bottles are so pretty! Even prettier when they are turned into sea glass.


So we will slug it all down, A* and I, from the front porch, while watching boats go by. At some point early in the years, we will build a trebuchet which we will use to fling the empty bottles into Buzzards Bay. I'll be able to tweak the trebuchet when I get bored of watching boats.

Daytime hours will be spent harvesting the sea glass and recovering from dramatic bottle flinging exercises.

When I get bored of this, I can build a harvesting machine from a lobster trap and some twine. This will go a long way toward saving Buzzards Bay from idiots who throw stuff into it.

Dreamboats

The reality is, I am as unlikely to get a boat as I am to get a 1967 light blue Mustang convertible. But that has never stopped me from naming and identifying the boats I would want. Some boats I don’t even want but I do like the name I’ve come up with so I find the appropriate boat to match.

So here goes. In no particular order.

Herreshoff 12 ½ - I talk about this constantly. I don’t know the right answer. But here are some contenders. I could just call her Yes. Or Mountain Flower. Or Penelope.

I would name a Hobie 16 Poldy. I would also never actually buy a Hobie. But if I did, I would name it Poldy.

Now I might buy a Whaler. But I wouldn't name it. But if I did have a mind to name it, I would name my random Whaler Skibble.

I went to camp on Arey's Pond and I loved the idea of a catboat named Maggie. And I know. I KNOW IT IS TRITE! And yet, it went unused as a child name, I would STILL name an APBY 20 Catboat Maggie. Maybe Maggie Jo. And I don't care if it is trite times a googleplex.

This one hardly makes sense since there is absolutely no way I would buy an Evelyn because that is insane. But it would be really funny if I *did* buy an Evelyn ’26 which I would name Ryan’s Daughter and then I would just follow my dad around like everyone else does.

Sometimes I think my dad should buy a J-105 just so he can name it Von Ryan Express and show those guys how this boat should be sailed...

ChowderGirl has a talent too. She wants her own Opti and wants to call it Wonderland.

After all of this, I have to be honest. I don't think it is too much to ask for one wee Sunfish to call my own. And you know what? I don't even have a name in mind for it.

Maybe just "A Boat of One's Own" in a weeeeeeee tiny font. In marker.

Spa Days and Beery Nights

So a month or so ago, ChowderDad sent me to Boston to hang out with my BFF CubicleGirl. He sent us to a BFF day at a local spa that included toasty warm tables and a facial. So we're doing the relaxing thing and we get random lotions and stuff and steam and whatever. At one point, I feel a wet paper towel on my eyes and then hear the door close.

And I tried, I really tried, to just *be* or whatever it is laid back people do when they look to me like they're relaxing. In the meantime, their eyes are closed and I keep opening mine and wondering if I registered ChowderBoy for camp or if I figured out who will feed the cats in 2014 when we go to Brazil for the World Cup.

A few minutes go by and I can't take it and start laughing. And all hell breaks loose. CubicleGirl's wet paper towel falls off her face, mine slips over my nose, we are most certainly NOT relaxing, and I'm crying I am laughing so hard.

When we got home that night, we had this extended discussion about the stuff people do at spas. And how we could open our own spa with all kinds of made up stuff.

"This is the part of the facial where we leave the room and put toilet paper between your toes and an alfalfa root on your chin. Breathe in the freshness. We will be back once we are done turning the giant stone under the building. This will release the positive vibes to your skin, encouraging it to release the dirt."

It was all fun and games until last night when I went and got a spa pedicure which I selected because they always smear extra stuff on your legs and spend a long time hitting your feet with their fists.

The guy walked out at the beginning holding a beer and I got all excited. I thought "Wow. You guys know me. A Korean beer? Thanks!"

And then he opened it and dumped it in the foot bath.

By the time I finally recovered, he brought out two green steam machines that shot non-soothing steam at my legs. Then there was some standard stuff. Then they brought out soy sauce containers filled with random goo. There was some chocolate stuff put on my legs and some white stuff on my ankles and then some saran wrap and some soothing steam.

At that point, I realized that they can pretty much do whatever they want at spas. And people like me will pay for it, simply because we just want someone to rub our feet for 20 minutes or something. And people who want something "special" will look at the beer and think "Oh....special Korean beer must have secret Asian powers for my legs and I will come out of this aglow."

Post-World Cup Sadness

Seriously, people. I am really unhappy. The kids are with their grandparents, I'm working long hours, and the only thing at home is...what? The Home Run Derby? It's boring. Life has become boring!

I think I have something like "Avatar Depression Syndrome" in which people find themselves at a loss for what to do when life does not turn out to be like the alien world of Pandora.

How can a rainy commute, mac and cheese, and the Home Run Derby compete with 5B to a local economy? How can my Wyclef Pandora station inspire continuous joy and hope like the soundtrack to the World Cup? Every day should feel like the World Cup. With drama and excitement and a nice soundtrack that makes you feel like the world is all happy and unified in their quest to beat the crap out of each other.

It's not fair. I am going to have to watch the 1980 Olympic victory over CCCP just to give me a ray of sunshine.

Thankfully, there are only 1,431 days to go until the next World Cup. That should give me plenty of time to research flights to Rio and make playlists for the flight.

Extra Time - 2nd 15

I assume I am not the only person in the English speaking world who giggles when Xavi does anything? Sometimes they say it like Chavay, sometimes more like "chavvy" which makes me giggle.

117:17
Oh thank god.

Ow my throat.

So beautiful!!!!!

Extra Time - First 15

I am not sure I am made for this. I could die from the anticipation.

As long as I'm on the subject of passionate viewership of sports, now that I am fully bitten, I need an EPL team. I have a strong opinion already, naturally. But I am willing to consider all passionately felt and eloquently expressed opinions on the matter. In fact, I encourage it. Years ago, I put out an RFP for an NFL team, having been converted to Yankee fandom, I figured I could also leave Patriots-land. It turned out to be pointless but I did discover an appreciation for stadiums with jails and long suffering teams.

Perhaps this week while the kids are at ChowderGrandparents house, I will write up a Scocer RFP.

95:00 - 98:55
Lots of shouting from the ChowderHouse.

99:10
It occurs to me that I may want to follow Real Madrid.

103:35
I am going to rip the skin off my face.

104:44
Do we think the "while you're up" trick will work twice?

World Cup Finals - 2nd Half

I came home early to watch the World Cup finals with my husband. In the 18 years I've known him, this is the first time we've really shared an interest in a sport. I'm the one who passionately engages in watching sports. He humors me, laughs when I cry at the 1980 Olympic victory, and generally acts as if I am some kind of deformed puppy.

But here we are, both obsessed with World Cup soccer - and watching as much as we can together - even if that means AIMing during work while we're both on conference calls and half-watching and listening to a match.

We're on a delay here in the Bloody Mary house but we're watching together, on a media-free quarantine while we watch. I shut the back door of the house in case our ESPN neighbor runs outside shreiling ESPANA or ORANGEEEE!!!!

So at the half, here's where we are:

• Kennebunkport IPA is sold at Trader Joe's for $5.99/six-pack and it is very tasty.
• I am disgusted by the Dutch. This is saying a lot. I am a Bruins fan, after all, who adores Jay Miller and anyone else willing to come off the bench just to check someone. But this is over the top stuff. At least the first half was.
  
• Clearly, I'm rooting for Espana now.
  
• I bigpuffyheart love David Villa.
  

52:45
We're watching ESPN coverage, and although I love the enthusiasm of Univision, I don't speak Spanish so it's hard to catch the exact story. Now I am enjoying mostly understanding the commentary - specifically the British dude, whoever he is.

68:29
I find it very challenging to type and watch at the same time at home. It's asking for a back issue to be sitting sideways on the couch typing at a 30 degree angle and watching at 45.

69:01
OOOOOOOHhhhhhhh! Even ChowderDad is shouting.

72:53:
Ewwww. I hate the Dutch. Dirty gross. I am getting twitchy, nudgey, whiny. Need more beer.

74:25
I just pulled the old "While you're up" scam to ChowderDad who was sitting comfortably. Muchas gracias. Ahhhhh.

76:17
I am going to throw something at the TV.

76:49
Oh sweet Jayses.

78:20
Looks like a hockey game might break out now.

80:55
More screaming.

82:40
Eyes covered...muffled screaming. Jayses.

85:11
On the Eve of July 12, I just have to say. I really hate orange. Poor ChowderBoy. I may never allow it in the house again in July.

88:02
Just drew blood on my knuckle.

92:42
Tick tock.

EXTRA TIME

Germany - Uruguay

I've been grasping at straws for weeks, seeking reasons to dislike Uruguay. The only thing I can come up with is the whole plane crash in the Andes thing. And that's not fair - they're not all cannibals. In fact, those poor guys were devastated.

And if we're comparing what various countries have done? I'm pretty sure eating a few people doesn't match up to super villainy.

And yet, I can't root for them. Especially against Germany. Cause I bigpuffyheart love Germans. Modern ones are awesomeness.


Okay, so I know Jen Lehmann doesn't play for Germany anymore but really, seriously? This is a person and sometimes you see him in coverage and he's all yummy and keeps lists in his socks.

The current team is also hotter than hotness. And you can't argue with hotness.

GO GERMANY!!!!

On Forks and Sleep

Once upon a time, my brother dropped his fork at the table every single night. It made my father insane. In fact, he had a neck vein that would pop out when M would drop a utensil.

ChowderBoy has a vein just like it so tonight I demonstrated a story from my childhood.

See, Dad went through crankypants years and would slam his fist on the table when we would start kicking each other or whining or not eating or whatever annoying shit it is that kids do at the dinner table to make their parents lose their minds.

One night, he slammed his fist on the table and accidentally hit a utensil which went flying.

Tonight I was telling this story and I smacked my fist on the table and flung a fork in the air and it landed prongs down on ChowderBoy's head. When he started crying, I picked him up and carried him into the living room to comfort him. I promptly slammed his head on the edge of the couch.

Thankfully, cool-headed German au pair, #1 (now #4) brought in a frozen chicken breast to put on his head.

Problem solved.

Germany - Espana

I have returned from my 2:30 PM meeting. I tried valiantly to take the call from my office but was thwarted by a client.

I ran late to the meeting initially because the kids' 1st German babysitter has just returned to our family after 2 years and she forgot how to turn on live TV. We both panicked because I couldn't visualize the damned remote while on the phone AND I was panicked about this meeting AND I was trying to set up my computer so I could watch. We had to get ChowderBoy to get live TV on.

In the end, I had to take the call in another office and arrived back at my desk at 57:23.

My very favorite part of the meeting was when the client told us "I do not believe in multitasking. That's why I scheduled this call for an hour before the World Cup match starts. We can finish in an hour and then I can watch."

He's in Chicago. He scheduled the meeting for 1:30 CST. Which is 2:30 EST. Which is when the match started.

der Mann ist ein Idiot.

Going Dutch at the World Cup

I was rooting for Netherlands all along, of course. Everyone told me Brazil would win so I have to be contrary and root for Netherlands. That is the other thing about me - I root for the underdog most of the time. And god help you if you tell me who to root for. Unless I love you, I am not changing my loyalty because you tell me to.

But that was great fun to watch! And thankfully, my client is a major sports retailer and scheduled our meeting for after the match was over - so I got to watch the whole thing.

For those of you who are reading my updates and wondering...isn't she supposed to be working? I feel like I need to explain this. I have a monitors and two laptops. One laptop is dedicated to running the World Cup matches and providing audio via headphones. The other is dedicated to work. So I can half listen while I work and look up if I need to.

If you've ever had a conversation with me, you know I run about 20 things at once in my head. The vuvuzela drone is actually working to help me focus on work these days. I might work by vuvuzela at some point.

The Rivah House Versus The Back House - Part One

One of my best friends is on vacation this week. She and her wife are at their house on the James River in Virgina. This house has regularly been described as being the equivalent of the "Back House" for us. A shelter from the harsh realities of real life, conveniently located near water, a regular routine of food and drink, and a place to just breathe.

My vacation at the Back House is not scheduled for a few weeks so I decided to go along with them when they went this year. I mean, not physically. But emotionally I am floating in an inner tube and drinking a Bud Light. There are some central differences to the vacations. One is the beer (we go brand loyal Yankees up here) and the other is the music.

When they go, they know they are home because they can receive the Eagle 97 signal. For me, I can pick up WMVY around New Bedford and I know I am almost there.

So since I am on vacation with them this week, I have been listening to their radio station online. Also, if I get any text messages, I try and call the station and request some songs for them. The station is busy all the time though.

I have learned a lot and suddenly have a whole new world view. I am pretty sure it is the music.

I love my husband more because I keep hearing all these songs about how lucky these people are cause they ain't got no money but they got love. Or how they been dating so long they're just crazy. Or checking each other for ticks. Which is somehow sexy. But the point is, we've been together forever and it's good and so I appreciate it.

I think trailer parks and killing your own woodland creature meat sound like fun. I think I should get a bunch of beer and head out somewhere and drink it and appreciate life. Also, I think I might like whiskey. Lots of it.

I'm going to live like I am dying, know that I am gonna miss these days, remember the good old days, and love like crazy.

I'm also pretty sure that the South should maybe rise again after all. It sounds fantastic. All the pride! I mean, I could live in a trailerhood and not be ashamed - and know that I had been raised bathed in God's love. And that it's all kindness and goodness and doing the right thing.

It all sounds pretty good when backed up by some honky tonk badonkadonk. Aside from the random crying in the middle of feeling like jumping on my desk and downing a bottle of whiskey, it all sounds pretty good. And all things considered, it has been a pretty good week.

It started me thinking about WMVY though. I'll have to listen to that next week and see where it leaves me. Probably just inoffensively and quietly asking people to pass things to me and thanking them graciously.

Accessing Teh Interwebs

The best part about my work life, aside from the glorious commute, is that although I work in almost a strictly digital world, I have about 75% up time for actually connecting to the digital world. I think if we did a review of my time, 20-30% of it would be spend click-refreshing to try and hit a server.

I have a 50-50 shot at accessing the server in the office next to me, where we store all of our materials. I have a decent chance of getting my email but only because I rely on my Crapberry to get it. I have about a 75% chance of hitting the Drop Box. And have to refresh 4 or 5 times to get to any web page.

The good news is that once I get a connection to a single page, I can keep it for hours. So that comes in handy for things like listening to southern radio stations and Univision.

It does not come in handy for things like connecting to a Webinar about hyperlocal marketing software. Because THAT would actually help me do my job better.

Work - World Cup Balance

I used to think the hardest balance to find was work-family. But it turns out, it's actually all about the world cup. Last month, I met two people who take the entire month and work at home so they can watch. And that doesn't count anyone I know who works for ESPN.

If I'd known, I would have tried to do the same (who am I kidding, I can barely get permission to work at home once a month, nevermind that I do 3 times as much work there). Anyway.

I missed this morning's PK extravaganza because I was doing an employee review. The stupid thing is, she's totally into the WC too. I could have easily just said "Let's meet quickly, keep our eyes on the match, and watch if we need to watch."

And now I am waiting for a 3PM call. Luckily, it should be exactly a half hour. So I'll be able to watch at least one of my favorite boys. For some of the match. Like now, on my other monitor...

GO PORTUGAL!!!!

Morning Match: Wherein Godzilla Fights One of The Guays.

At the half, it occurs to me that I really have no opinion here. This is rare. I try and have an opinion about everything from what cars other people should drive to how to make the best popcorn.

And yet, I cannot muster any energy for this match. Perhaps I am saving all my emotion for this afternoon? I could flip a coin and generate more excitement for myself but really, maybe I could finish reading the Social Media Bible or I could paint my toenails and root for one foot to dry first.

Or someone could give me a reason to root for Japan or Paraguay. Any recommendations with solid reasoning behind it?

Brazil and Smoothies

So the Robek's next door has all these crazy Mardi Gras signs up and beads out and jazz silhouettes and such. My friend Jane suggested I might get free smoothies for showing them my breasts but it seems like that's more of a JANE execution than a ME one. I did, however, ask if the protein boost could be rum (see below).

I finally asked the cashier what was up with this Mardi Gras in June. He looked horrified and he said "It's supposed to be a promotion for our new smoothies."

Naturally, I had to ask about the Hurricane smoothie. He once again looked horrified as he explained to me that it wasn't Mardi Gras, it was supposed to be Brazilian Carnival.

I started laughing and he said "It gets worse. I'm Brazilian."

Poor guy. So we started talking about Kaka and the World Cup and how incredibly funny it is that his corporate HQ thought Mardi Gras has the same decorations as Carnaval.

I wrote an email to their HQ asking why on earth they would have signs up promoting Mardi Gras and expecting me to connect that to their Acai smoothie. The guy rightfully pointed out that most Americans don't know about Brazil.

I guess they figured, why not make a total mess of it?

GO BRAZIL! VIVO HURRICANES! VIVO BOURBON STREET!