My experiment in medicating on the weekend was a magnificent failure. I am setting up my home office and wanted to be more capable of getting stuff done than usual. So I figured, let's see what happens.
Well. I did absolutely get more stuff done than usual. But at what price?
I picked up ChowderGirl from a birthday party yesterday where they had a big water slide. The mom saw I had a swim suit on (I had been painting) and said "You can go on if you want." But instead of just doing it, I thought about it and decided to be a grown up.
I ended up having to go down the hill to the slide and fetch ChowderGirl (why doesn't she just come up when it is time to leave?). She asked me when I got there if I would PLEASE go down the slide with her, three of her friends all joined in and said YEAH YEAH YEAH DO IT!
I didn't do it. And I regret it. First, because it would have been fun. But also because in the car later, ChowderGirl asked me why I didn't do it. And said "You usually do things like that. You're not like other moms that way." in a disappointed voice.
Now, this isn't a story of the woe of my poor daughter who has lost some grand opportunity to have some fun. She's fine.
But she was right! That is part of who I am. And I don't think I want that me to disappear all the time. I picked her up from the party on time and without any great stress or struggle, but I didn't do the water slide :(
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Fond Memory of Destruction
When I was a sophomore in college, I went over to a friend's room in Sherrill Hall* to say goodbye. I found him and his roommate surrounded by about 20 cases of empty Piels bottles which apparently had been stored in their closet throughout the year. Or maybe they'd just finished it the night before, hard to say.
Faced with what to do with them all, I came up with a great solution. There was an open dumpster located one floor down, off to the side, up against the brick wall of the attached bookstore. A competition! We would have a competition to see who could hit the wall, shatter a bottle, and have it all land in the dumpster! No one would have to carry any of the cases out, no one would get charged a clean up fee. It was perfect.
Naturally, you're going to need beer for this project. Luckily, central New York has places where you can procure supplies for missions like this.
Beer in hand, we set about our task:
As I recall, it was a beautiful sunny day with bunnies and very small trees. We spent an hour or so throwing empty bottles out that window. I have this strange thing where I have very scattered memories. But this one, despite my inability to draw, is so clear. I can hear that first crash and exactly how I felt.
I would say that it was a different time and place back then and that somehow makes what happened a totally reasonable thing to do...but the reality is, I would do it again today. In fact, every time we sail, I have a massive urge to throw empties at Cleveland Ledge. Or the shore.
Fear not, my green friends. I no longer do this. But man, that urge is huge.
And no, I don't know who won the competition. My guess is that other people got bored and I sat in the window throwing bottles.
* According to the campus web site, Sherrill Hall is now a co-ed residence called Sherrill House. It still looks the same. I bet it smells different though.
Faced with what to do with them all, I came up with a great solution. There was an open dumpster located one floor down, off to the side, up against the brick wall of the attached bookstore. A competition! We would have a competition to see who could hit the wall, shatter a bottle, and have it all land in the dumpster! No one would have to carry any of the cases out, no one would get charged a clean up fee. It was perfect.
Naturally, you're going to need beer for this project. Luckily, central New York has places where you can procure supplies for missions like this.
Beer in hand, we set about our task:
As I recall, it was a beautiful sunny day with bunnies and very small trees. We spent an hour or so throwing empty bottles out that window. I have this strange thing where I have very scattered memories. But this one, despite my inability to draw, is so clear. I can hear that first crash and exactly how I felt.
I would say that it was a different time and place back then and that somehow makes what happened a totally reasonable thing to do...but the reality is, I would do it again today. In fact, every time we sail, I have a massive urge to throw empties at Cleveland Ledge. Or the shore.
Fear not, my green friends. I no longer do this. But man, that urge is huge.
And no, I don't know who won the competition. My guess is that other people got bored and I sat in the window throwing bottles.
* According to the campus web site, Sherrill Hall is now a co-ed residence called Sherrill House. It still looks the same. I bet it smells different though.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
ADHD Wars Episode V: The Anger Strikes Back
Emotional difficulties:
Many adults with ADD/ADHD have a hard time managing their feelings, especially when it comes to emotions like anger or frustration. Common emotional symptoms of adult ADD/ADHD include:- sense of underachievement
- doesn’t deal well with frustration
- easily flustered and stressed out
- irritability or mood swings
- trouble staying motivated
- hypersensitivity to criticism
- short, often explosive, temper
- low self-esteem and sense of insecurity
But I have to admit that when I look at the description, it's pretty much me. My biggest concern in all of this is that I've kind of always known that when it comes to motherhood, I don't handle stress well. I tweak frequently over things that really aren't crucial. It does relate to my last post about being so angry with people when I perceive that they've thrown me off my game. So with the kids, I feel badly a lot that I am so inconsistent with my moods and with my reactions to their behaviors. I will be impulsive and say let's have a dance party or build a fort or see what happens when you put Mentos in Coke but then if it gets "too much", I can snap easily and call a time out on the whole thing. So the kids end up with a moving line. Some nights I am tired and don't care if they spend the meal talking about the bathroom. Other nights, I snap quickly. How on earth are they supposed to figure this out? Is it okay or is it not? Is it sometimes okay?
In other areas of life, I find it less impactful. And if I am honest with myself, I am pretty sure the kids don't think I am terrible. But I'd like to get better at structure and consistency. I think it would make them feel better and make me a better mother. And it doesn't have to mean we stop dance parties. Just that we have to work together to set limits on the crazy. :)
Down with OPI (Yeah You Know Me)
Other People's Issues can really throw me off my game.
I've worked with a number of people who seem to have Attention Surplus Syndrome. And man, when they tweak over irrelevant facts, it makes me insane.
At the end of the day, 75 minutes debating whether the second bullet is or is not truly the second most important point of the slide really doesn't change the outcome of the company. 75 minutes is about 65 minutes too long to figure that one out. So we sit there and I twitch and tweak and play with my phone while other people discuss the relative importance of the bullet order. And over the years, people seem to accept that it's just part of my deal. I tune out when this stuff starts.
But I never really understood why I could get so OUTRAGED at people for wasting my time or for focusing on totally irrelevant things. Because for me, this morning's reaction to whether or not we wanted to say global or not would typically be brutal. It would have left me with a loss of hours on end, not just because of the 47 minute drama over whether or not we were truly global, but because I would have not been able to go back to the rest of the tasks at hand for a while.
That said, I still think 5 days of 8 hour sessions is excessive for a 12 slide presentation.
I've worked with a number of people who seem to have Attention Surplus Syndrome. And man, when they tweak over irrelevant facts, it makes me insane.
At the end of the day, 75 minutes debating whether the second bullet is or is not truly the second most important point of the slide really doesn't change the outcome of the company. 75 minutes is about 65 minutes too long to figure that one out. So we sit there and I twitch and tweak and play with my phone while other people discuss the relative importance of the bullet order. And over the years, people seem to accept that it's just part of my deal. I tune out when this stuff starts.
But I never really understood why I could get so OUTRAGED at people for wasting my time or for focusing on totally irrelevant things. Because for me, this morning's reaction to whether or not we wanted to say global or not would typically be brutal. It would have left me with a loss of hours on end, not just because of the 47 minute drama over whether or not we were truly global, but because I would have not been able to go back to the rest of the tasks at hand for a while.
That said, I still think 5 days of 8 hour sessions is excessive for a 12 slide presentation.
Monday, August 23, 2010
ADHD Wars Episode IV: A New Symptom
Disorganization and Forgetfulness:
So I've developed system after system to try and get organized. Sadly, when it comes to the home life stuff, none of my solutions seem to work very well. For one thing, I love spreadsheets, precision folding, calendars, and brightly colored paper with squares that I fill in when I complete a task. But those things don't always work in organizing a house.
Balancing work, kids, and personal requires so many separate coping mechanisms. Spreadsheets are great for things like selecting fun patches for 14 eight year old Girl Scouts. And check boxes are good for work emails and projects. But the system required for the mounds of paper that comes home from school - I don't even know what that system looks like. The required signatures, a dollar here, marking that information on the calendar, buying the white-tshirt for tie dye, looking 2 months ahead to get an afternoon off to attend some cottage meeting that ultimately doesn't impact my parenting abilities....all of those things are monstrously challenging. And can't be fixed with a spreadsheet.
Luckily, there's a flip side to all of this- and I'm pretty ready to write about the Gift of ADHD side. That side ends up evening it all out. I'm not a bad mother - I'm just not one who remembers every detail very easily. But I do okay. ;)
- poor organizational skills (home, office, desk, or car is extremely messy and cluttered)
- tendency to procrastinate
- trouble starting and finishing projects
- chronic lateness
- frequently forgetting appointments, commitments, and deadlines
- constantly losing or misplacing things (keys, wallet, phone, documents, bills)
- underestimating the time it will take you to complete tasks
So I've developed system after system to try and get organized. Sadly, when it comes to the home life stuff, none of my solutions seem to work very well. For one thing, I love spreadsheets, precision folding, calendars, and brightly colored paper with squares that I fill in when I complete a task. But those things don't always work in organizing a house.
Balancing work, kids, and personal requires so many separate coping mechanisms. Spreadsheets are great for things like selecting fun patches for 14 eight year old Girl Scouts. And check boxes are good for work emails and projects. But the system required for the mounds of paper that comes home from school - I don't even know what that system looks like. The required signatures, a dollar here, marking that information on the calendar, buying the white-tshirt for tie dye, looking 2 months ahead to get an afternoon off to attend some cottage meeting that ultimately doesn't impact my parenting abilities....all of those things are monstrously challenging. And can't be fixed with a spreadsheet.
Luckily, there's a flip side to all of this- and I'm pretty ready to write about the Gift of ADHD side. That side ends up evening it all out. I'm not a bad mother - I'm just not one who remembers every detail very easily. But I do okay. ;)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Day 1 - Adderall
So this morning I recorded my thoughts as the Adderall kicked in. I've now added to it a bit just to make it more coherant.
11:30
I just sat through an entire meeting. I could see IMs on my screen and didn't need to answer them. I stayed on topic the whole meeting. In addition, when my boss strayed off topic mid-stream, I was only slightly annoyed but managed to stay focused on the rest of the discussion.
11:32
I sent two emails, one AFTER the other, not finishing both at the same time - I wrote one and hit send. Then I hit another and hit send and it only took me a minute to write them and I didn't go do something else in the middle. Not only that, but it didn't occur to me to do something else in the middle. So I didn't even have to WORK at not doing something else in the middle.
11:34
I just remembered something I meant to do yesterday and I did it.
12:24
I consciously decided to take a break from the Power Point I was working on. I chatted with my friend Jane and now I am writing this. I am going to finish the Power Point now.
12:51
Sneezy loud guy next door just shouted and I went right back to what I was doing instead of looking at my phone or changing the radio or looking at skirts for M for Back to School.
1:45
I finish running all the numbers from this morning's meeting and add them to the Power Point. 2 hours 15 minutes. Typically, it would have taken all afternoon with all the distractions. I am going to go for a walk and get some water.
2:45
Had lunch, talked to husband, sent three more emails, called my boss back when he called and wasn't bitchy.
3:09
I am working on a document. I see an email come in that I need to read. I open it, look at it, read it, and go back to my document. (This is actually miraculous - I usually either avoid emails entirely or I read it and lose an hour.)
3:19
Finish the document. It's intended to replace my presence at a meeting I can't attend. It occurs to me that I could *maybe* squeeze it in if I shuffle things around and if I don't hit traffic. Then I realize. I don't need to attend the meeting. And I hit send. My typical reaction would be to try and squeeze it in or feel bad that I couldn't do it.
4:23
I notice that I've been clicking around a lot more now. Bored with the task at hand (assembling school data for districts in Houston). But not problematic.
5:14
I want to go home now please.
5:39
My drive home was largely uneventful and didn't involve any anguish.
8:49 PM
I made dinner for the family and then made a second dinner for David. I cleaned the breakfast nook table. I cleaned up after dinner. I was not angry or short or snappish.
And I really wasn't going to post this tonight. I know a lot of people don't believe in meds or don't believe in ADHD. And that's totally fine. But for me, for the first time I can recall, today I got a taste of what a lot of people live like. And I didn't realize for all these years that it didn't have to be so hard. That other people actually went to the bathroom without losing 20 minutes to thinking about going upstairs or outside or coming back to the office and what was that over there...
Other people can listen to a meeting without sitting on their hands trying to avoid the inevitable distraction. A message can pop up and it doesn't destroy 2 hours of their lives. They can go to Walgreens expecting to go in and get water and a snack and do just that - without losing 30 minutes or without spending the entire time walking there and back thinking WATER SNACK WATER SNACK WATER SNACK and fighting 2000 urges to look at shiny things.
I remember a friend of mine from college didn't know he needed glasses for about 5 years. His eyes just adjusted to the blurry vision and he just compensated. He came back from Christmas break once wearing glasses and said that it was miraculous. The world had nuance and detail and corners.
That's how I feel right now. I heard music on my way home - not the gestalt of the music. But instruments! Single instruments! It was insane! I heard people talking and it sounded totally different. Everything is clear and clean and crisp.
I hear this is a honeymoon phase and that it will likely change. But man, in the meantime, I want to re-listen to every song I ever loved and rediscover the nuances.
11:30
I just sat through an entire meeting. I could see IMs on my screen and didn't need to answer them. I stayed on topic the whole meeting. In addition, when my boss strayed off topic mid-stream, I was only slightly annoyed but managed to stay focused on the rest of the discussion.
11:32
I sent two emails, one AFTER the other, not finishing both at the same time - I wrote one and hit send. Then I hit another and hit send and it only took me a minute to write them and I didn't go do something else in the middle. Not only that, but it didn't occur to me to do something else in the middle. So I didn't even have to WORK at not doing something else in the middle.
11:34
I just remembered something I meant to do yesterday and I did it.
12:24
I consciously decided to take a break from the Power Point I was working on. I chatted with my friend Jane and now I am writing this. I am going to finish the Power Point now.
12:51
Sneezy loud guy next door just shouted and I went right back to what I was doing instead of looking at my phone or changing the radio or looking at skirts for M for Back to School.
1:45
I finish running all the numbers from this morning's meeting and add them to the Power Point. 2 hours 15 minutes. Typically, it would have taken all afternoon with all the distractions. I am going to go for a walk and get some water.
2:45
Had lunch, talked to husband, sent three more emails, called my boss back when he called and wasn't bitchy.
3:09
I am working on a document. I see an email come in that I need to read. I open it, look at it, read it, and go back to my document. (This is actually miraculous - I usually either avoid emails entirely or I read it and lose an hour.)
3:19
Finish the document. It's intended to replace my presence at a meeting I can't attend. It occurs to me that I could *maybe* squeeze it in if I shuffle things around and if I don't hit traffic. Then I realize. I don't need to attend the meeting. And I hit send. My typical reaction would be to try and squeeze it in or feel bad that I couldn't do it.
4:23
I notice that I've been clicking around a lot more now. Bored with the task at hand (assembling school data for districts in Houston). But not problematic.
5:14
I want to go home now please.
5:39
My drive home was largely uneventful and didn't involve any anguish.
8:49 PM
I made dinner for the family and then made a second dinner for David. I cleaned the breakfast nook table. I cleaned up after dinner. I was not angry or short or snappish.
And I really wasn't going to post this tonight. I know a lot of people don't believe in meds or don't believe in ADHD. And that's totally fine. But for me, for the first time I can recall, today I got a taste of what a lot of people live like. And I didn't realize for all these years that it didn't have to be so hard. That other people actually went to the bathroom without losing 20 minutes to thinking about going upstairs or outside or coming back to the office and what was that over there...
Other people can listen to a meeting without sitting on their hands trying to avoid the inevitable distraction. A message can pop up and it doesn't destroy 2 hours of their lives. They can go to Walgreens expecting to go in and get water and a snack and do just that - without losing 30 minutes or without spending the entire time walking there and back thinking WATER SNACK WATER SNACK WATER SNACK and fighting 2000 urges to look at shiny things.
I remember a friend of mine from college didn't know he needed glasses for about 5 years. His eyes just adjusted to the blurry vision and he just compensated. He came back from Christmas break once wearing glasses and said that it was miraculous. The world had nuance and detail and corners.
That's how I feel right now. I heard music on my way home - not the gestalt of the music. But instruments! Single instruments! It was insane! I heard people talking and it sounded totally different. Everything is clear and clean and crisp.
I hear this is a honeymoon phase and that it will likely change. But man, in the meantime, I want to re-listen to every song I ever loved and rediscover the nuances.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
ADHD Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Hyperactivity
One of the things that keeps coming up is how people respond "Well, I forget stuff too" or "I get bored easily too" when I mention my newly discovered ADHD. I used to do that too! I never thought I was hyperactive. I just fidget a bit. But that's not a PROBLEM... So I'm fighting to try to explain to people - it's not just like regular people. It's actually totally different. I used to think everyone did what I did - and you do. Once in a while. For me it is a constant.
So here's hyperactivity:
Hyperactivity in Action:
I am just starting to realize the amount of shifting around and fidgeting I do. When I first started writing this post, I thought "I do a pretty good job of sitting still. I don't jump out of my seat. I don't twitch or fidget much." But then I realized, I had shifted my legs at least 4 times while I wrote and I got up twice - but both for totally valid reasons. So you know, clearly I'm not hyperactive.
And.
Poor ChowderDad. He loves movies. I do too. But I hate the credits - opening and closing. And I can't sit still. I remember being really conscious of this when I was 12 and went to see "Let's Spend The Night Together" with my friend Jen. I remember folding and unfolding my legs the whole time and thinking how she didn't move once for the whole movie. ChowderDad has sat with me through a billion movies in our life together. The exciting ones mean I only shift 30 or 40 times an hour. The boring ones? Excruciating.
And.
My very first report card said "talks too much" and anyone who knows me knows that I talk too much. And here's something scary for those of you who just met me in the last 5 years. I talk less than I used to. Significantly less than when I was in college (this should be a relief to any of my college friends who have been avoiding me for that reason...)
I admit it. I do talk excessively. And here's how it feels. Like a fucking train that can't stop. I am conscious that I am talking too much, that people probably wish I would shut up...but it's like all rushing out and I can't seem to stop it easily. I work really hard to tell stories concisely. To get to the point.
In the interest of full disclosure, when I drink, it gets harder to work at that skill. The good news is that in parties, it's a great skill and people can usually count on me to entertain everyone with outrageous stories and excessive talking.
Coping Stuff:
I've largely learned how to channel what I now know is hyperactivity. I'm the one who leaps up to take notes on the white board. I keep most of my TO DO lists on white boards in my office, which allows me to get up 20 times. And I try and sit on the aisle at the movies so I can move my feet.
I get bored easily so I look for interesting aspects of most situations. I used to call them games - a long drive gets a narrative by exit number. Exit 45, mom was born, WWII, 2014, 4+5=9, when I am 45 I hope I have a Jeep, my jeep was blue, do they make new ones? It goes on and on until the next exit. Working with numbers in the educational universe, I reward myself with letting me imagine what materials the schools in their towns would have been built from in the 19th century.
Side note: I despise the NYS Thruway. 16 miles of thinking about what my life might be like at 40. Suffice to say, 20 year old me was an idiot.
So here's hyperactivity:
- trouble sitting still; constant fidgeting
- talking excessively
- craving for excitement
- feelings of inner restlessness, agitation
- tendency to take risks
- getting bored easily
- racing thoughts
- doing a million things at once
I am just starting to realize the amount of shifting around and fidgeting I do. When I first started writing this post, I thought "I do a pretty good job of sitting still. I don't jump out of my seat. I don't twitch or fidget much." But then I realized, I had shifted my legs at least 4 times while I wrote and I got up twice - but both for totally valid reasons. So you know, clearly I'm not hyperactive.
And.
Poor ChowderDad. He loves movies. I do too. But I hate the credits - opening and closing. And I can't sit still. I remember being really conscious of this when I was 12 and went to see "Let's Spend The Night Together" with my friend Jen. I remember folding and unfolding my legs the whole time and thinking how she didn't move once for the whole movie. ChowderDad has sat with me through a billion movies in our life together. The exciting ones mean I only shift 30 or 40 times an hour. The boring ones? Excruciating.
And.
My very first report card said "talks too much" and anyone who knows me knows that I talk too much. And here's something scary for those of you who just met me in the last 5 years. I talk less than I used to. Significantly less than when I was in college (this should be a relief to any of my college friends who have been avoiding me for that reason...)
I admit it. I do talk excessively. And here's how it feels. Like a fucking train that can't stop. I am conscious that I am talking too much, that people probably wish I would shut up...but it's like all rushing out and I can't seem to stop it easily. I work really hard to tell stories concisely. To get to the point.
In the interest of full disclosure, when I drink, it gets harder to work at that skill. The good news is that in parties, it's a great skill and people can usually count on me to entertain everyone with outrageous stories and excessive talking.
Coping Stuff:
I've largely learned how to channel what I now know is hyperactivity. I'm the one who leaps up to take notes on the white board. I keep most of my TO DO lists on white boards in my office, which allows me to get up 20 times. And I try and sit on the aisle at the movies so I can move my feet.
I get bored easily so I look for interesting aspects of most situations. I used to call them games - a long drive gets a narrative by exit number. Exit 45, mom was born, WWII, 2014, 4+5=9, when I am 45 I hope I have a Jeep, my jeep was blue, do they make new ones? It goes on and on until the next exit. Working with numbers in the educational universe, I reward myself with letting me imagine what materials the schools in their towns would have been built from in the 19th century.
Side note: I despise the NYS Thruway. 16 miles of thinking about what my life might be like at 40. Suffice to say, 20 year old me was an idiot.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
ADHD Wars: Episode II - Atack of the Impulsivity
When I told ChowderDad about the diagnosis and how I had read that impulsiveness is a strong characteristic. I asked if he thought I was impulsive and after I resuscitated him, he was able to choke out that I was incredibly impulsive.
Really? I just think of myself as kind of...well...spontaneous! Joyful! Fun! Free-spirited with a side of anger and twist of temper.
So I go look at a description of impulsivity as relates to ADHD:
The blurting things out is a big problem - I spend a lot of time wondering why I just said something. Even if it isn't rude. Maybe oversharing personal details (like a week or two ago, I blurted out I HAVE ADHD to two friends during a PTA committee meeting - neither the time nor place) or something I think about a person (nice shoes!). It just comes out while I'm simultaneously thinking "don't say that!" in my head
There was an incident many years ago where a good friend asked me specifically not to mention a specific person in front of her new boyfriend. And I did a very very good job of it. For a while. And then before I knew it, it came out of my mouth. I was horrified. If you're reading, S, I have been carrying that one around for a good 16 years now. I'm really sorry.
And I don't really think that acting recklessly without regard for consequences has to be negative. I do stuff all the time that is harmless but has annoying repercussions that aren't always well thought out. Like the day when I had the need to paint the front door purple. So I went and bought paint and started painting it purple. I got one coat done. Three years later, it hasn't received a second coat.
I also bought a pattern and a bag of fabric for matching daughter-American Girl doll outfits. Two years ago. It would have been cute too. I also have a quilt top made for ChowderBoy's baby quilt. And a quilt top made for when my friend Derrick turned 30. He's over 40 now. Also, he got married and I was going to send him it for his wedding which we attended with ChowderGirl toddling around 7 years ago.
I am also quite sure that I have many times annoyed CubicleGirl by calling her while she is working so she can be my very own Google and tell me how to get somewhere because I decided while I was out that I should find a place that has lobster traps so I can make a table. But without an iPhone, I have to have a substitute search. It's no big deal, it's not like she has a real job or is in Hong Kong or anything.
And the thing is, it isn't BAD. It's just part of who I am. Some of it is regrettable. Like not finishing the quilt. Or blurting out things I was asked not to say. But then, there's stuff that makes me who I am and is very positive.
I blurt things out. But I'm a pretty positive person and I see the good in people. So it comes in the form of sometimes just randomly saying "OMG! That haircut is adorable!" or texting my second cousin to tell her that I think of her whenever I hear Hootie and the Blowfish.
Sometimes, I do impulsive things that delight people. Like telling Jonathan Richman that I was mad at him for not playing "New England" and then telling him that Natick sucks (it does). Or saying to Al Bean "OH MY GOD. YOU WALKED ON THE MOON!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? THAT IS CRAZY!!!!"
And while it may not be the most well thought out plan, I daresay that wearing a toga to a few parties this summer delighted and amused a large group of people.
And...while it may not be the safest thing in the world, I have enjoyed jumping off cliffs, quarry walls, and bridges. And jumping INTO many a fountain. And it's been FUN.
You'll notice I didn't touch the conversation about addictive personalities. That's because I have to go play Bejeweled.
Really? I just think of myself as kind of...well...spontaneous! Joyful! Fun! Free-spirited with a side of anger and twist of temper.
So I go look at a description of impulsivity as relates to ADHD:
- frequently interrupt others or talk over them
- have poor self-control
- blurt out thoughts that are rude or inappropriate without thinking
- have addictive tendencies
- act recklessly or spontaneously without regard for consequences
- have trouble behaving in socially appropriate ways (such as sitting still during a long meeting)
The blurting things out is a big problem - I spend a lot of time wondering why I just said something. Even if it isn't rude. Maybe oversharing personal details (like a week or two ago, I blurted out I HAVE ADHD to two friends during a PTA committee meeting - neither the time nor place) or something I think about a person (nice shoes!). It just comes out while I'm simultaneously thinking "don't say that!" in my head
There was an incident many years ago where a good friend asked me specifically not to mention a specific person in front of her new boyfriend. And I did a very very good job of it. For a while. And then before I knew it, it came out of my mouth. I was horrified. If you're reading, S, I have been carrying that one around for a good 16 years now. I'm really sorry.
And I don't really think that acting recklessly without regard for consequences has to be negative. I do stuff all the time that is harmless but has annoying repercussions that aren't always well thought out. Like the day when I had the need to paint the front door purple. So I went and bought paint and started painting it purple. I got one coat done. Three years later, it hasn't received a second coat.
I also bought a pattern and a bag of fabric for matching daughter-American Girl doll outfits. Two years ago. It would have been cute too. I also have a quilt top made for ChowderBoy's baby quilt. And a quilt top made for when my friend Derrick turned 30. He's over 40 now. Also, he got married and I was going to send him it for his wedding which we attended with ChowderGirl toddling around 7 years ago.
I am also quite sure that I have many times annoyed CubicleGirl by calling her while she is working so she can be my very own Google and tell me how to get somewhere because I decided while I was out that I should find a place that has lobster traps so I can make a table. But without an iPhone, I have to have a substitute search. It's no big deal, it's not like she has a real job or is in Hong Kong or anything.
And the thing is, it isn't BAD. It's just part of who I am. Some of it is regrettable. Like not finishing the quilt. Or blurting out things I was asked not to say. But then, there's stuff that makes me who I am and is very positive.
I blurt things out. But I'm a pretty positive person and I see the good in people. So it comes in the form of sometimes just randomly saying "OMG! That haircut is adorable!" or texting my second cousin to tell her that I think of her whenever I hear Hootie and the Blowfish.
Sometimes, I do impulsive things that delight people. Like telling Jonathan Richman that I was mad at him for not playing "New England" and then telling him that Natick sucks (it does). Or saying to Al Bean "OH MY GOD. YOU WALKED ON THE MOON!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? THAT IS CRAZY!!!!"
And while it may not be the most well thought out plan, I daresay that wearing a toga to a few parties this summer delighted and amused a large group of people.
And...while it may not be the safest thing in the world, I have enjoyed jumping off cliffs, quarry walls, and bridges. And jumping INTO many a fountain. And it's been FUN.
You'll notice I didn't touch the conversation about addictive personalities. That's because I have to go play Bejeweled.
ADHD Wars: Episode I - The Hyperfocus Menace
I have always gone through these periods of intense focus on one subject, song, or person. That's just who I am. Turns out, it's one of the markers of ADHD. It's not a problem. I feel like I need to keep saying this. It's not a problem. It just explains a lot.
So I see the list of symptoms and then I reassess all kinds of things from my past and go. Ahhhhhhh. That is called hyperfocus! I get it! THAT explains some stuff!
Here's how hyperfocus plays out in my life.
I fall in love with a song. I need to hear it 20000 times in a row. And I get a call from my upstairs neighbor saying "Please stop playing that song, it is making me insane." (also, I hear that as coming with a P.S. "You loser.") Or, I know all the words to 32 musicals I've never seen and don't even know the plot of but have managed to play the soundtracks until the tapes broke.
Or.
I meet someone. I think they are the coolest person on the planet. I want to talk to them all the time and be with them and hang out all the time. Possible historically-based fallout from this one:
I find a shiny new web toy. I use it constantly, update constantly, talk to people, make connections. Get bored. Wander off to a new shiny object. Or a game like Bejeweled. I can play that game for 3 hours without moving or noticing that the time is passing.
Or.
I develop an interest in geocaching. We're all going. Every single day. All weekend. Now! Today! Here! Let's geocache! Within a month, the kids are exhausted just hearing about it and start to refuse to ever go again. (note: Also applies to such hobbies as cats, quilting, and soccer).
Or.
I get assigned a proposal for Google XPrize. I need to do some research before crafting the proposal. I sit down to start reading about what they're doing and 6 hours later, I realize I have missed lunch, two meetings, and am dangerously late for being able to get home, make dinner, and put the kids to bed. But I know the names of every team competing and have learned all kinds of unrelated things about NASA.
Now, would anyone like to talk about how Diego, James, and Seamus share the same root? No? How about lemmings? Anyone? Anyone?
Next Up: Impulsivity. *le sigh*
So I see the list of symptoms and then I reassess all kinds of things from my past and go. Ahhhhhhh. That is called hyperfocus! I get it! THAT explains some stuff!
Here's how hyperfocus plays out in my life.
I fall in love with a song. I need to hear it 20000 times in a row. And I get a call from my upstairs neighbor saying "Please stop playing that song, it is making me insane." (also, I hear that as coming with a P.S. "You loser.") Or, I know all the words to 32 musicals I've never seen and don't even know the plot of but have managed to play the soundtracks until the tapes broke.
Or.
I meet someone. I think they are the coolest person on the planet. I want to talk to them all the time and be with them and hang out all the time. Possible historically-based fallout from this one:
- This person is a boy and he thinks I am obsessed with him and he runs screaming from me.
- This person is a girl and one day, she needs something from me but I am unavailable because I found a shiny foreign coin on the floor and I am just as interested in spending 5 hours researching it as I am in helping her figure out her life. Except the coin called attention to itself before she called.
- This person is random new neighbor who seems interesting and engaging. I become BFFs in a day and then realize she is completely crazy. Now I have an insane person badmouthing me to anyone who will listen.
I find a shiny new web toy. I use it constantly, update constantly, talk to people, make connections. Get bored. Wander off to a new shiny object. Or a game like Bejeweled. I can play that game for 3 hours without moving or noticing that the time is passing.
Or.
I develop an interest in geocaching. We're all going. Every single day. All weekend. Now! Today! Here! Let's geocache! Within a month, the kids are exhausted just hearing about it and start to refuse to ever go again. (note: Also applies to such hobbies as cats, quilting, and soccer).
Or.
I get assigned a proposal for Google XPrize. I need to do some research before crafting the proposal. I sit down to start reading about what they're doing and 6 hours later, I realize I have missed lunch, two meetings, and am dangerously late for being able to get home, make dinner, and put the kids to bed. But I know the names of every team competing and have learned all kinds of unrelated things about NASA.
Now, would anyone like to talk about how Diego, James, and Seamus share the same root? No? How about lemmings? Anyone? Anyone?
Next Up: Impulsivity. *le sigh*
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I Wanna Be Impulsive...Reckless
So I am a bit competitive, in general. So you can imagine my joy when my formal assessment of ADHD status came back and I'm not just kind of ADHD. I am wicked ADHD.
I kind of knew before going in that I was likely to be diagnosed that way. The whole conversation started about 3 months ago and I dragged my heels on getting assessed. But as soon as I started down that road, I started reading up on indicative behaviors and it was like reading a report on who I am. Things I thought were just part of the joy and pain that is me, turn out to be ADHD stuff.
I'm relieved. It all kind of makes sense now. The things that used to confuse me (why do I blurt out stupid stuff all the time? why do I have such bad insomnia? why do people regularly accuse me of not caring about them as much as they care about me?) now seem to all kind of fit together. And it doesn't excuse anything - just because I've learned this doesn't mean that I've never been selfish (I have) or that I can't control the endless chatter thing (I try). But it does sort of frame it for me.
Maybe I am not a total jerk because I do stuff impulsively and unintentionally trample other people. Especially since I always feel horrible about it afterwards. And I mean really horrible. I still carry around guilt about stuff I did 20 years ago, despite being a good wife, solid mother, and a decent friend.
So then the bad news is this. Why didn't I know? What's worse is that since I've been talking about it, I've heard from multiple people that they thought I knew I had it and that I'd made a decision not to medicate. Now, I may or may not medicate and that's a whole separate story. But I guess I am just surprised that so many people saw it clearly. And that even though an old boss told me about it in 1994, I dismissed it. Boys have ADHD, not girls. And besides, I am not hyper. I just talk a lot. Which I just have to focus on not doing. And everything will be fine.
Here's the biggest problem these days. My ADHD diagnosis is becoming a distraction in itself. I'm thinking I should just Tweet about it and feed the blog that way. 140 characters, I can do. A whole well thought out blog post? Now that is a challenge.
P.S. I do love Wilson Phillips.
I kind of knew before going in that I was likely to be diagnosed that way. The whole conversation started about 3 months ago and I dragged my heels on getting assessed. But as soon as I started down that road, I started reading up on indicative behaviors and it was like reading a report on who I am. Things I thought were just part of the joy and pain that is me, turn out to be ADHD stuff.
I'm relieved. It all kind of makes sense now. The things that used to confuse me (why do I blurt out stupid stuff all the time? why do I have such bad insomnia? why do people regularly accuse me of not caring about them as much as they care about me?) now seem to all kind of fit together. And it doesn't excuse anything - just because I've learned this doesn't mean that I've never been selfish (I have) or that I can't control the endless chatter thing (I try). But it does sort of frame it for me.
Maybe I am not a total jerk because I do stuff impulsively and unintentionally trample other people. Especially since I always feel horrible about it afterwards. And I mean really horrible. I still carry around guilt about stuff I did 20 years ago, despite being a good wife, solid mother, and a decent friend.
So then the bad news is this. Why didn't I know? What's worse is that since I've been talking about it, I've heard from multiple people that they thought I knew I had it and that I'd made a decision not to medicate. Now, I may or may not medicate and that's a whole separate story. But I guess I am just surprised that so many people saw it clearly. And that even though an old boss told me about it in 1994, I dismissed it. Boys have ADHD, not girls. And besides, I am not hyper. I just talk a lot. Which I just have to focus on not doing. And everything will be fine.
Here's the biggest problem these days. My ADHD diagnosis is becoming a distraction in itself. I'm thinking I should just Tweet about it and feed the blog that way. 140 characters, I can do. A whole well thought out blog post? Now that is a challenge.
P.S. I do love Wilson Phillips.
Friday, August 6, 2010
On Blogging and Journals
As some of you may or may not know, I have a splotchy history with journaling and blogging. It all goes back to "ALL THE EVIL" nearly 20 years ago. One of the pieces of evil was having someone read my private journal and hold me accountable for what I had written in it. Well. And tell other people what was in it. But generally speaking, that was long ago and I'm largely over that piece of the evil.However, a piece remains and that is my fear that what I write will be taken seriously or held against me or get morphed into something I can't control. I've written for myself and shredded the evidence. I've also written very public and raw journals. My ultimate solution to the problem of private journaling was to just throw it all out there. It worked well since I have a nasty habit of blurting random things out all the time anyway. Sooner or later someone was going to learn random things about me.
Lately I've decided to start really writing again and now I'm thinking about the very public self that has formed. And herein lies the problem.
If you know me well, you know that the public side is actually a pretty honest view of who I am. I am the type of person who wears a toga for no reason. I paint my door purple, want another jeep, drink bloody marys, sail, watch Star Wars, and read disconnected and geeky blogs and newspapers.
If you don't know me well, you're likely to independently enhance certain aspects on your own. Or worse, come to expect that I am ALWAYS the toga girl or the flippant creature of the insomnia hours. I don't want to have to censor my writing because I'm worried that someone will catch a piece of information and turn it into some partial or incorrect vision of who I am.
So. I don't really need all 500 people on my friends list to get updated with my latest blog post. What I would ask is that if you are reading, that you follow the blog, so I know whether or not to apologize to you at a PTA meeting for some entry in which I complain about cars or something.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Retirement Plans
I've spent the last 25 years at my friend Jim's house and finally have figured out the right way to capitalize on all that time served. It has come to my attention that I may not ever be able to retire comfortably AND both children have announced that they want to live with me forever instead of marrying and buying their own homes with in-law suites.
So my friends and I have come up with a plan.
Jim's wifey and I are going to drink. A lot. From pretty colored bottles. Like Skyy vodka and Absolut Raspberri. The bottles are so pretty! Even prettier when they are turned into sea glass.
So we will slug it all down, A* and I, from the front porch, while watching boats go by. At some point early in the years, we will build a trebuchet which we will use to fling the empty bottles into Buzzards Bay. I'll be able to tweak the trebuchet when I get bored of watching boats.
Daytime hours will be spent harvesting the sea glass and recovering from dramatic bottle flinging exercises.
When I get bored of this, I can build a harvesting machine from a lobster trap and some twine. This will go a long way toward saving Buzzards Bay from idiots who throw stuff into it.
So my friends and I have come up with a plan.
Jim's wifey and I are going to drink. A lot. From pretty colored bottles. Like Skyy vodka and Absolut Raspberri. The bottles are so pretty! Even prettier when they are turned into sea glass.
So we will slug it all down, A* and I, from the front porch, while watching boats go by. At some point early in the years, we will build a trebuchet which we will use to fling the empty bottles into Buzzards Bay. I'll be able to tweak the trebuchet when I get bored of watching boats.Daytime hours will be spent harvesting the sea glass and recovering from dramatic bottle flinging exercises.
When I get bored of this, I can build a harvesting machine from a lobster trap and some twine. This will go a long way toward saving Buzzards Bay from idiots who throw stuff into it.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Dreamboats
The reality is, I am as unlikely to get a boat as I am to get a 1967 light blue Mustang convertible. But that has never stopped me from naming and identifying the boats I would want. Some boats I don’t even want but I do like the name I’ve come up with so I find the appropriate boat to match.
So here goes. In no particular order.
Herreshoff 12 ½ - I talk about this constantly. I don’t know the right answer. But here are some contenders. I could just call her Yes. Or Mountain Flower. Or Penelope.
I would name a Hobie 16 Poldy. I would also never actually buy a Hobie. But if I did, I would name it Poldy.
I went to camp on Arey's Pond and I loved the idea of a catboat named Maggie. And I know. I KNOW IT IS TRITE! And yet, it went unused as a child name, I would STILL name an APBY 20 Catboat Maggie. Maybe Maggie Jo. And I don't care if it is trite times a googleplex.
This one hardly makes sense since there is absolutely no way I would buy an Evelyn because that is insane. But it would be really funny if I *did* buy an Evelyn ’26 which I would name Ryan’s Daughter and then I would just follow my dad around like everyone else does.
Sometimes I think my dad should buy a J-105 just so he can name it Von Ryan Express and show those guys how this boat should be sailed...
ChowderGirl has a talent too. She wants her own Opti and wants to call it Wonderland.
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